Women Stop Gaslighting Women in 2020
Friends, let’s put an end to gaslighting women in 2020. Specifically, women gaslighting women.
Yeah, eww.
If you commit, it will involve some truth telling, some discomfort, and a complete rewrite of the “something is wrong with you” narrative hurled at women.
In the workplace and the world, for decades, we women have been under scrutiny for everything that doesn’t conform to gender norms. What we wear, how we wear our hair, how we speak, how we lead, how we deliver bad news, how likable we are, how we have to prove ourselves.
The truth telling part is that we women have ingested those gender norms and promote them unconsciously, and sometimes consciously. We say, “I had to conform and so should you.” Or “It’s just the way it is.” Or sadly, “Look, like it or not, it’s a man’s world. I’m your boss and if you want to get promoted, here’s your roadmap.”
But gaslighting goes deeper and takes on an uglier hue.
Politically, we have seen this on both sides of the aisle claiming “fake news” or repeating the same lie so often it seeps into the collective conscious as truth. And those kinds of lies are hard to shake once they take anchor.
On a personal level, it’s not unlike being in an abusive relationship in which the abuser controls the narrative, metes out the punishment, and makes you out to be the villain.
In the workplace, gaslighting is the robber of dreams. Of promise. Of possibility.
Like my former client, a government analyst who jumped ship to work in the corporate world making use of both her project management skills and security training. She landed a job as a project manager for high-security special events in a resort hotel, catering to politicians and celebrities and the like. Within weeks of hire she was bait and switched to caretaking the whims of those oh-so-important guests (dry cleaning errands, celery juice orders, and babysitting entitled brats). I kid you not.
As the job unfolded, her boss--I am sad to say a woman--said things like:
I told you you’d have to prove yourself first before you can head the special event team. (She didn’t.)
You may not remember, but you said you were willing to do “whatever it takes in line of duty.” (She didn’t.)
And when she was propositioned (AKA #MeTooed) by a guest/client and reported it to her boss, she was told, “don’t even try to #MeToo me on this. We have you on camera.” (They didn’t.)
That’s the moment she parted ways with the hotel. It's an egregious example of gaslighting, I admit.
So here are a few of the more subtle, yet pernicious gaslighting tropes you may or may not be familiar with in the workplace:
If you want to get promoted, you need a year with zero mistakes.
I never said I would promote you if you did X and Y. You misheard me.
I can’t believe we’re dealing with this issue again.
Where did you get such a crazy idea?
You don’t really feel that way, do you?
That’s not what everyone else on your team says.
As always, you’re misinterpreting.
You don’t really like your job, do you? You never have.
You actually can’t lift 50 pounds, can you? What else can’t you do?
The psychological impact of gaslighting is to sow seeds of doubt about your self worth and potential and that you are the root of all problems. Not the system, not the culture, and certainly not the gaslighter themselves.
AKA your manager. Your boss. Your narcissistic coworker.
Like I said, changing the narrative in 2020 involves some discomfort. If you have been gaslighting others, it’s time to deepen your emotional intelligence and commit to a higher vibe of managing and being with others. Go back to school on LinkedIn Learning and steep yourself in courses like Conflict Resolution Foundations, or Coaching and Developing Employees, or use the Linkedin Learning search bar for courses on emotional intelligence and managing people.
If you’re the victim of gaslighting, I recommend taking those same courses, but more importantly, it’s time to learn how to recognize misleading rhetorical techniques, like outright disbelief in facts or evidence and persistent denial of responsibility, and start speaking truth to power. Name the elephant in the living room.
Not easy.
Commit to this, women. We need to be a unified force for good. Especially and always now.
